And Every Year After That

And Every Year After That

• 12.11.2020

• Redding, CA, USA

For the past few months, I have gone through old photos, blogposts, and captions that to some degree have captured the processes, thoughts, and feelings of what I was going through at the time in which I posted them and some, I would say, are still true to this day. One in particular was an Instagram post that expressed how I was feeling about the 2019 New Year. During that time, I was in 1st Year BSSM, which had been such a significant and transformative year of my life. I looked at old pictures of myself at ages 18... 22... 24, captivated and thankful of who I was then, but knew the necessary and drastic encounters that I needed with the Holy Spirit. Now, being 25, I can only imagine what will happen in two.. three... or five years. I laugh at the thought of a 30 year-old-me because there are a few hopes and dreams that come to mind. As much as I want to plan and hope, I am reminded of God's goodness. It's crazy how our lives can now be documented on social media, phones, and on various forms of "clouds".

I want to share an excerpt of the Instagram caption that I mentioned previously that I posted on January 8th, 2019, but if you would like to read the entire caption, you can do so here, 

"I held all of me out in front of me knowing that this year is not mine nor does it belong to me. This year is His... I give up this year and the gift and talents He has planted in me so that I am utilized and carried out to share, know, and see His face more intimately. I do not have control over my life because when I begin to think that I do, God will pull the rug underneath my feet knocking the air out of me-- reminding me of who I am and who He is. So, 2019, I give you to Him. And every year after that."

And every year after that.

I was at work one day and my spirit stood attention to the King that walked into the room and I was overcome with His presence. That morning, I was overwhelmed with my future and all the things that were going wrong. There was such an urgency to establish peace in every area of my life, but His presence came in to reminded me that I am human.

His goodness. 

His love. 

I began to think about who He is to me. 

He is my love.

My King.

My best friend.

As much as I hope to be more like Jesus, which is the goal, I have instead convinced myself that I was Him. I tried and tried to do only what God can do. When I made this realization, I got this picture of Jesus sitting and leaning against a wall and He's throwing little notes and flowers over the wall and when the wall comes down, He's there and He always will be, but I had put myself in His place. I felt Him say, I love the way you love, but this one is mine. I had to lay down any and all expectations that I thought I had to take things into my own hands. His hands are the best hands to be in. 

In light of 2020 ending, I think there was a need to think about the past and process that we're in December. So much has happened this year, but regardless of all the changes, rules, protests, pain, grieving, days melting into each other, and Zoom meetings; 2021 is less than three weeks away (at the time in which I'm writing this).  *Takes a deep breath*

It's almost 2021. Wow. 

I'm thinking about what I'd hope for the new year-- my hopes, dreams, and goals, but the more I think about it, the more I want Jesus. Sweet, beautiful Jesus. I want Him to be my hopes, dreams, and goals. I need Him to be my hopes, dreams, and goals. As much as I can plan, pursue, and achieve, I want Jesus to stay so close. I don't want to hope, dream, and set goals without Him. He has to be that for me because I don't want to get to any point in my life when He isn't a part of it and oh how much I've needed Him this year. I'm laughing out loud and crying a little writing this because Jesus knows!!! It's been a hard year and I'm sure that has been the case for many people, but I know this for certain-- He is faithful, good, and true. For the rest of my life, I hope to know Jesus-- the different facets, fragrances, and influxes of His voice. So, whether it is 2019, (especially!!) 2020, 2021, *takes an even deeper breathe* or 2035 (Let's not think about that), I give each year to Him and every year after that. I hope for all that 2020 held, I want to say that I am proud of you. 

Thank you for reading.

With Love,

MJ