Thank You.


For all that it was 
Thank you

Unraveling your character
fun and new

Christmas lights
magical and

hours held
hearts exposed
out in the cold

music and magic
easy and warm

For all that it was
thank you.

Dear 30-Year-Old-Me



I've decided to record my voice reading this letter as a special gift to the 30-year-old-me. This was the first recording and I tried recording it again multiple times for the sake of sound and changing/editing the sentence structure of this post, but listening to this recording in specific made Jesus and I really happy. Since this was the first recording, you will hear me typing/messing up editing the text, but I think it adds more character and authenticity. Enjoy!


Dear 30-Year-Old-Me,

It's a Thursday, well technically a Friday because it's 12:16AM on December 18, 2020, and I am sitting at the kitchen table with Mel and Bigane in Redding, California. It's finals week for Simpson and you just finished your online course at Shasta College called Literature by and About Women. I think it's important to set the scene because I'm not sure if you'll be in the same place or the same season by the time you're reading this and to some degree, I hope you're not. Don't worry, everything is really good! 

I thought to write you a letter because I've been thinking about you lately and I felt like it would be a fun post. In a previous blogpost, I mentioned that I wanted to laugh at the thought of a 30-year-old-me because of the hopes and dreams I want to pursue and live out at that age and I'm wondering how you're responding as you read this. I'm sure you're laughing and/or going to cry at the thought of 25-year-old-me and the things I have yet to experience. I don't expect you to be at a certain point in your life and have accomplished all of these things-- I still value the process and how "life stages" are different for everyone. Nonetheless, I do hope that I have accomplished and/or are living out a few of these things by the time I'm 30. But to get a relative sense of what it's like right now because I'm thinking about 20-Year-Old-Me and I don't even remember the current realities of my life then, so in order to remember what is happening now, I've compiled a list of what is current in my life right now:

  1. Incredibly, beautifully, captivated by the High Most King
  2. You know you are loved and valued by your family and friends
  3. 25 years old
  4. Single/ Praying and thinking of your future husband
  5. 2nd Year BSSM student
  6. COVID-19 changed everything
  7. Dreaming about doing Third Year in England
  8. Hoping to pursue a MA in Creative Writing (Boston University? Or MAYBE in England??)
  9. Wishing my schedule permitted  more time dedicated to running
  10. My car is "broken" (Idle doesn't work/ 2005 KIA Sorento for the record)
  11. Working at in Higher Education Institution
And now for the things that I hope has happened in the last FIVE years:
  1. What ways has Jesus pulled you in closer?
  2. How is God moving in your family? In your friend's lives?
  3. Did I get to live in England? 
  4. How was Third Year like?
  5. Was the vaccine for COVID successful?
  6. Accomplished a MA in Creative Writing?
  7. Hopefully on your way to a PhD in English?
  8. Published author? Or have at least finished writing a book(s)!
  9. Engaged or Married (Hopefully married!!)
  10. Active and passionate runner? Any marathons?
  11. Did you get a Subaru? #DreamCar
  12. Do you have little chickadees? *heart sinks and jumps at the same time*
  13. Have you had your heart broken? What did it feel like?
  14. What is Jesus saying about your life?
It's interesting to see how the second half of my list for the future are questions. *Asks the Holy Spirit why that is* Despite all of the things I hope to have accomplished or pursued by the age of 30, what I hope remains to be one foundational key that I hope has grown, expanded, and remained constant and that is your relationship with Jesus. I hope you've loved and shared Him everywhere you went and I'm sure you did because that's what you do. I hope you remained close to the King and kept your eyes on His face. I hope you've experienced and read the Holy Bible more intimately. 

As of today, being the 25-year-old that you are now writing this, I want to say that I love you. I am proud of you. Thank you for saying Yes to the King. Thank you for wanting Him and only Him to the point that your heart aches for a touch from Him. Thank you for being yielded to His presence. Thank you for looking at pain, hardships, and disappointment in the face because you know who you are and who you belong to. Thank you for learning and believing that you carry power and authority at whatever life throws at you. Thank you for taking the joys and celebrations in your life and sharing them with people that you love. 

Regardless of all the things you've done or wished had done differently, I am incredibly grateful of the way you've laid down your life. Jesus is with you and how I'm sure you know that He's with you (Jeremiah 29:11). 

With Every Fiber of my Heart,
MJ/ Jacky

And Every Year After That


For the past few months, I have gone through old photos, blogposts, and captions that to some degree have captured the processes, thoughts, and feelings of what I was going through at the time in which I posted them and some, I would say, are still true to this day. One in particular was an Instagram post that expressed how I was feeling about the 2019 New Year. During that time, I was in 1st Year BSSM, which had been such a significant and transformative year of my life. I looked at old pictures of myself at ages 18... 22... 24, captivated and thankful of who I was then, but knew the necessary and drastic encounters that I needed with the Holy Spirit. Now, being 25, I can only imagine what will happen in two.. three... or five years. I laugh at the thought of a 30 year-old-me because there are a few hopes and dreams that come to mind. As much as I want to plan and hope, I am reminded of God's goodness. It's crazy how our lives can now be documented on social media, phones, and on various forms of "clouds".

I want to share an excerpt of the Instagram caption that I mentioned previously that I posted on January 8th, 2019, but if you would like to read the entire caption, you can do so here

"I held all of me out in front of me knowing that this year is not mine nor does it belong to me. This year is His... I give up this year and the gift and talents He has planted in me so that I am utilized and carried out to share, know, and see His face more intimately. I do not have control over my life because when I begin to think that I do, God will pull the rug underneath my feet knocking the air out of me-- reminding me of who I am and who He is. So, 2019, I give you to Him. And every year after that."

And every year after that.

I was at work one day and my spirit stood attention to the King that walked into the room and I was overcome with His presence. That morning, I was overwhelmed with my future and all the things that were going wrong. There was such an urgency to establish peace in every area of my life, but His presence came in to reminded me that I am human.

His goodness. 

His love. 

I began to think about who He is to me. 

He is my love.

My King.

My best friend.

As much as I hope to be more like Jesus, which is the goal, I have instead convinced myself that I was Him. I tried and tried to do only what God can do. When I made this realization, I got this picture of Jesus sitting and leaning against a wall and He's throwing little notes and flowers over the wall and when the wall comes down, He's there and He always will be, but I had put myself in His place. I felt Him say, I love the way you love, but this one is mine. I had to lay down any and all expectations that I thought I had to take things into my own hands. His hands are the best hands to be in. 

In light of 2020 ending, I think there was a need to think about the past and process that we're in December. So much has happened this year, but regardless of all the changes, rules, protests, pain, grieving, days melting into each other, and Zoom meetings; 2021 is less than three weeks away (at the time in which I'm writing this).  *Takes a deep breath*

It's almost 2021. Wow. 

I'm thinking about what I'd hope for the new year-- my hopes, dreams, and goals, but the more I think about it, the more I want Jesus. Sweet, beautiful Jesus. I want Him to be my hopes, dreams, and goals. I need Him to be my hopes, dreams, and goals. As much as I can plan, pursue, and achieve, I want Jesus to stay so close. I don't want to hope, dream, and set goals without Him. He has to be that for me because I don't want to get to any point in my life when He isn't a part of it and oh how much I've needed Him this year. I'm laughing out loud and crying a little writing this because Jesus knows!!! It's been a hard year and I'm sure that has been the case for many people, but I know this for certain-- He is faithful, good, and true. For the rest of my life, I hope to know Jesus-- the different facets, fragrances, and influxes of His voice. So, whether it is 2019, (especially!!) 2020, 2021, *takes an even deeper breathe* or 2035 (Let's not think about that), I give each year to Him and every year after that. I hope for all that 2020 held, I want to say that I am proud of you. 

Thank you for reading.

With Love,


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