I Know That I Know That I Know

For the past few weeks, God has brought to my attention the passions He has put inside of me, which is writing, connection, intentionality, and His love for me. I keep learning that there is still so much to discover about Him. I began thinking about where I was this time last year, which is crazy to think about! I choose to be vulnerable and authentic-- especially on this platform-- because that is how I want to live my life and I love the idea that my future children will read this one day. But a year ago today, I was desperate and worried. I was worried about paying off tuition and money. I was desperate because I cried out to God saying God, you call me daughter and beloved, but I'm not seeing it! It honestly felt like I had cried more last year than I did during 1st Year. Crying isn't always a bad thing for me. I cry when I feel His presence; I cry when He moves my heart; and I cry during the part in Toy Story 3 when they were accepting death (if you've seen it, you know what part I'm talking about: #YouHaveSavedTheirLivesAndIAmEternallyGrateful)-- crying has in some sense become a default setting, which I don't mind at all. 

1st Year has been a place in which I got to step into identity and God sifted, broke off, and loved every part of me that I had hated, forgotten, and set aside. 2nd year, last year, was crying out from a place of wholeness. I was given an opportunity to take up space and time to learn, worship, and wait for God to speak to me. When my tuition ultimately got paid off mid-January, I realized that if He had given me the money when I asked for it, I probably would have said, "Thanks God! What's next!" and quickly moved on to the next thing. But He took hold of my face so that He could look at me. He wanted to spend time with me! Working and waiting for tuition to get paid off was one of the most hardest and God-filled moments in my life so far-- and it was worth it! I am reminded of those moments on the floor in the Bethel sanctuary crying (of course) as He solidified my heart and mind to believe and know that despite hardship and obstacles, it does not dictate who He is or who I am! He is faithful, true, and powerful. He is who He says He is and I am who He says I am! 

Romans 8:14 states, "For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God" (NIV). We are sons and daughters of the High most King and that WRECKS me! In the same passage, Paul goes on to say, "The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. [And this is one of my favorite parts] And by him we cry, "Abba, Father.""[Read that one more time] It has and always will be about Him! He is the way, truth, and light (John 14:16). He deserves all the praise and glory!

These past few years in ministry school in Redding has been a gift and God wastes nothing. When God said, "Let there be light," He had you in mind and I am honored that I get to behold who He had in mind. In the same way, I am grateful of the hearts and minds I got to run with last year and even more so with those who I get to run with this year. He is asking me to hope, dream, and roar with Him. Being in 2nd Year this year is a gift and I can't imagine doing anything else. God is working, speaking, and leaning so close into my life that my only response is wanting more of HIM. It's an interesting, heartbreaking, and significant time in our world, but I know that I know that I know (yes, you read that right, it is not a typo) that He is the Love of my soul and the Savior of the world. 

Thanks for reading my process! More to come! 

-Jacky

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