What That Means

10.16.2018



I lay at arms length from my youngest sister.
Pretending to sleep.
Breathing.
Slowly.
She is unaware of the tears that stream down my face.

Dropping off my cheeks soaking my pillowcase.
Bugs on a windshield.
80 miles per hour
Splattering against
Glass.

There goes one
And another
Why don't they stop.

Songs.
An outlet for tears--
I am less alone
Less-- I am not enough.
You do not ask me to stay.

I think of all the tears that have been shed because of you
Shed before me
Shed for you

Do they fill the sky?
Big enough for a rain storm
Or does it only thunder.

I close my eyes
I can see your face
I project it onto the back of my eyes lids
Stay.

A face I have seen countless times before
remember.

My eyes grow heavy.

Please go to sleep
Words.
Phrases.
fill my mind
It is not enough.
my eyes shut close to catch
a glimpse
a glance
of your face.

I know my eyes will be swollen tomorrow.
Morning.

You needed space
Space I was not prepared for.

Friend?
Where are you?
I do not expect anything back.
Expect.
Expectations.
What is friendship?

Friend?
Are you hiding?

I do not see your faults
I see your face.
Quirks, humor, and the power of your mind.

When I care
I care too deeply
When I feel
I feel too much.

Why does this bother?
So,
I strip myself raw
Tearing away parts of myself that I thought was me
Reconfiguring, recolaborating
I put myself through a strainer.

I sit in a group setting
Maybe it's better if I never speak
If I never speak
Scared they might need space, too
Hold back.

If I keep to myself,
There will be no one to push me away?

I am a mess.
I am broken
Holding my breath
Too afraid to be.
Be completely me
Forget who I am.
Who am I?

I lost myself.
Feeling can be a strength
Feeling too much is a weakness

Tears fall
Floodgates.
Where are they coming from?
Why does it hurt so much.

Why can't I stop crying
Tears
Come in fits.
I don't feel so good.

Cold.
Alone.
I know I have friends
Friends that love and care for me.
How does that phrase go again?
"Standing in a middle of a crowd and feeling alone"?

Loneliness
I understand now.
What that means.

BSSM Financial Update


It warms my heart that I have received so many donations, messages, and phone calls asking about the current status of my tuition. I was going to post about it on Facebook, but it became too long for a FB post, so I thought to write an in-depth blogpost about the ways in which God has shown His care and provision!

This past Monday, October 8th, was the 2nd installment DEADLINE for the $910 out of the remaining $2000 that I had left for my BSSM Tuition, which gave me until the end of the day to pay it off. I had peace and full confidence that the Lord was going to show up! Each morning, I would open my BSSM homepage and hope that the number would go down, which DID happen. I have received a few donations, which brought down the remaining amount to $880! HALLELUJAH! But there was still so much left. I continued to choose that God was moving-- I didn't know how or when, just that He was! 

Tuesday comes and the first thing I check is my current BSSM Tuition balance and find that it is the same, to which I also received an email stating that my attendance was going to be put on hold, which means that I accumulate absences each day until I paid the rest of my 2nd payment.

Side not: BSSM does NOT play about Tardies/absences because three tardies are considered an absence and if you use ALL of your absences (all 16 of them), it could result in your dismissal from school. So I was NOT about having these absences. LOL!

So on Tuesday morning, I went to the Financial Aid office at Bethel-Main Campus, talked to Crystal, who was one of the representatives there and she was so kind and understanding. After I had told her how I was going to try to get the remaining $880, she asked me how I was going to partner with Holy Spirit to pay off the rest of this payment. I was able to receive a grace-period until the following Monday, so I could scan in for attendance. To be honest, I didn't even thought to ask Holy Spirit, how He was going to partner with me. I just lifted praises and knew He was going to move that I was reminded of a phrase that Aslan said in The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, "Things never happen the same way twice." 

Wednesday comes and the amount is still the same. At this point I'm lowkey worried, but my spirit was still hopeful that Jesus was going to take care of me. I get home after work and I cook dinner and talk to my roommate, Daisy, who is doing homework on the couch in the living room. As I set the table for my meal, I decide to check on the homework I had due within the next few days on my BSSM Homepage, but I notice that it looks different. 

"OH MY GOODNESS!!" I yell.

There was no longer the $880 on my account-- it was GONE! I then doubled checked-- refreshed the page and out of disbelief, I yelled again! Tears started filling my eyes and I began WEEPING!!

THE 2ND PAYMENT WAS COMPLETELY PAID OFF!!! I checked the receipt of the donation and I immediately contacted the donor, who wishes to remain anonymous. I started crying, but because of my scream and dramatic crying, I alarmed Daisy and I told her what had happened.

After much tears and crying in the arms of my roommate, I had calmed down and Daisy asked if I was happy. I thought about it for awhile and said that I was happy, but I was more so thankful. I am thankful for being able to press further into what God wants for my life. I am thankful for the people that I have been able to call home. I am thankful for Jesus! I began to think about all the moments that God came through and I though of my revival group, my family, and all those who played a part in me being in Redding. Because of the overwhelming love of the Father, I shook my head in disbelief and started crying again because I was so overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by the love of Jesus because He wants me here and I want to be here

While in the wait and praying, I realized that these moments have been significant because of the close and intimate experiences of the Lord's love. Over and over again, I would have this phrase on my lips: "Take me, take me, take me." It is in these moments and every single moment that I want the Lord to have me-- all of me. Not just my material things-- ME. I want Him to have all my skin, bones, and blood-- all that makes me, me. 

My heart echos with the sound of the Lord's voice and I have the opportunity to sit and unravel in it. I pray that it does not stop and I will continue to live out my life with my hands and heart wide open. I am so thankful of you, dear reader, that I hope you are filled with the presence of the Lord and know the warmth of His face and the softness of His hair. So much so, that you cannot look away.

Thank you for reading! <3
-MJ
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