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Deeply In Love

Redding, CA, USA

I don't really talk about the topic of dating and relationships on a platform like this, mostly because I've never dated nor have I been in a romantic relationship with someone (but that doesn't mean I've never had my heart broken). However, this has been something on my heart that Jesus has been teaching me so much about and I really felt led to share.

Sometime last week, Kris Vallotton spoke during 1st Year BSSM in which he said that when we lay down what has taken the place of God at the foot of the cross and when He gives it back to us, it has now been anointed. I have realized that the desire and yearning for a future spouse has taken the place of God that He wanted that desire from me so that He can be that for me first.

These past few months has consisted of learning who Jesus is and throughout the time that I have been able to get to know Him, I have found that He is kind, gentle, powerful, good, faithful, and lovely. I want to be where He is and all I can think about is the next time I get worship and dedicate my mind, soul, and body to His Goodness. I long to have that time with Him. I want to run after the face of Jesus and feel His love all around me.

During worship this week, I heard the Lord say to me that He wants to take care of me. God then brought me back to a moment at the beginning of BSSM, when He gave me back my desire for a future husband. Now, that desire is so different now because Jesus remains the focus and passion of my heart that He is completely integrated in this new profound journey of what it looks like to be pursued. I was taken back to the moment when the Lord stirred deeply in my heart that same desire and I asked the Holy Spirit that I want to be able to introduce my future spouse to my Dad. My Dad is such a significant person to me because He has created the foundation for our family and I've never had a boyfriend, so the thought of getting to introduce an important person (my Dad) to another important person (Future Spouse) would be such a sweet and incredible moment.

What God showed me was the image of my Dad from months ago and the thought of when the day comes and God takes my Dad home, which makes me want to cry even more, that by introducing my Dad to my future spouse is something I want to be able to do so that he knows I am going to be taken cared of. When I heard the Holy Spirit say that He wants to take care of me-- my entire being paused. I was reminded of that day standing during worship being so overwhelmed by His love. After hearing the Holy Spirit say that He wants to take care of me, I asked the Him if I could introduce Him to my Daddia. *Crying even more at this point*

Jesus brought me into an encounter-- a conversation with my Daddia in which I said aloud-- just loud enough for me to hear,
Daddia. I want you to meet a man named Jesus and I am deeply in love with Him.
I am unraveling. Crying so much because I understood that Jesus wants to be my heart's desire before anything else and I want Him to be that desire for the rest of my life. One of my favorite things to do is whisper to Jesus. Bill Johnson, one of the Fathers of Bethel Church, said when someone whispers, you have to lean in. Sometimes, God whispers to us because He wants us to lean in. I. Will. Lean. In.

I love whispering to the Holy Spirit because it means He is close-- so close that I can feel Him and I want to forever be that close to Him.

Jesus reminds me that the desire for a future spouse is something He has planted in me, but Jesus, during this time, is teaching me how I should be pursued, loved, and seen. He is teaching me what a relationship looks like and what it means to hold the heart of another. Jesus gave me back my heart saying, "I am going to give you my heart-- it is yours, but it's also mine." Throughout my BSSM experience, I have denied myself for the sake of wanting nothing else, but Jesus because He is beginning to set fire to my soul, dreams, and passions. He is introducing me to myself every single day because He wants me to see myself through His eyes and know with everything that I am is worthy. So these past few weeks continues to be a process of loving myself and learning how that looks like. I have to extend myself patience, grace, and kindness because that is what Jesus wants for me.

Thank you, dear reader, for taking the time to read how this process has been for me. I extend the same peace, love, and so much more all of who Jesus is in your life.

With Love,


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