An Open Letter to the Girl Who Forgot to Love Herself


Dear Girl-Who-Forgot-to-Love-Herself,

From the deepest parts of my soul, I want to let you know that I love you. I want that to sink it. Read it over and over and over and over again. Now say it aloud. 

It might not mean much on a screen, but I genuinely and utterly love you. Yes, I admit that I don't know every detail of what you're going through, but know that your life has purpose and incredible value. I also want to let you know that it's going to be okay. It might not feel like it right now, but there is a reason that you are in this situation. There may be a lot of pain and hurt and I don't know why your story had to go the way that it did, just know that it is your story. It is unlike any other story.

Your circumstance is going to be turned for good. And it is going to be good! You are going to bring so much light to so many people and you are going to give them hope and remind them that they are loved. I want you to remember that there are people in this world that love you.

You are important and you did not deserve to be overlooked. Your voice, mind, and body is so worthy of being heard, known, and seen. 

And I want to say that I'm sorry. I am so sorry-- I am so so sorry for the pain that you're going through, but know that I am there with you and I understand. I am there sitting and listening; crying and laughing; holding and hugging you with you. 

It's okay that you forgot to love yourself. It's okay that you don't understand, but I want to remind you that you are worthy of so much love. 

     adjective, wor-thi-er, wor-thi-est.
(1) having adequate or great merit, character, or value: a worthy successor. (2) of commendable excellence or merit; deserving a book worthy of praise; a person worthy to lead. 

You are so worthy. Take a moment to say that out loud. You are worthy of attention and respect. I'm sorry for people who have treated you less and told you to do things in order to get their acceptance. I want you to know that you do not need to do anything in order to belong-- you already do. By being completely who you are, find identity in the One that has created you for grace, beauty, and love-- you were created to love and to be loved. I'm sorry that you took your heart out of your own chest, willing to give people a place to belong and in the end for it to be thrown out the window. I am so sorry that as you loved, people were not doing the same for you. I am so sorry that your circumstance happened the way that it did, but there is power in your story. 

Remember that before you can love someone else, you have to know how to love yourself.

There was a moment when I, too, forgot to love myself. I forgot who I was and the only reassurance I had was from those I was able to share my story and there were few, yet, due to the few, I see them as jewels. Jewels highly contrasted against the darkness of my own mind. There was a deep pocket in my own heart that could never be filled. I have now been able to find who I am and rejoice in the redemption and significance in who I am and who's I am

If your heart is broken, let it break because beauty will come from it, but remember do not let your heart break just for it to break again. Take care of it and know that you are royalty-- you are a daughter of a King and I champion you to be powerful. I hope that as long as you keep your heart close, do not share your heart too often that you forget where you left it. 

Being a woman makes you powerful and I know you can shake the earth. If you could remember one thing from this letter, REMEMBER that I love you. 

With Love,

Restoration: A Work in Progress


In light of my final BSSM Tuition Deadline on November 5th, I wanted to share a new conversation in which God has been able to talk to me about. Throughout these past few weeks, God has revealed to me His goodness and a movement of restoration-- a stepping ground of newness.

Four weeks ago, my wallet was stolen and just recently, I started replacing all of the cards that were in that wallet. I KNOW! I fully believe that I had so much faith that my wallet was going to materialize somewhere and I would find it somewhere-- maybe nestled in my car between my driver seat and the inner console or buried in a pile of clothes in my drawers or even in the endless blackhole that is the bottom of my backpack--but that was not the case (LOL).

I decided it was time to replace my entire wallet when I went home to the Bay Area for the weekend (and I have been using Apple Pay this entire time). But as I was using my phone to pay for a purchase, it was declined. My first thought was Right, I'm in the Bay instead of Redding, so my bank might have wanted to make sure that the transaction was actually me, which an email would have been sent to me asking if the activity was mine. All I would have to do was check my email and accept the terms that it was, indeed, me-- but there wasn't an email. Since it was a Saturday, I had to wait until Monday to contact them. Fast forward to Monday and I was able to get a hold of a bank representative. I told them about the issue and they said there was a charge for $9 in Pittsburg, which was a city that I have not been to at all!

"Oh!" I replied figuring that someone had actually stolen my wallet, "Please cancel the card! It definitely wasn't me." So I have made the definite decision to replace everything and I have been learning a lot along the way.

Another way in which God has been working in restoration is in my name. For those of you, who know me as Jacky, I have been going by MJ these past few months and I prefer to be called MJ. The reason being, before BSSM started, I noticed that there were a handful of other "Jackies" at BSSM that the rebel inside of me wanted to be different. Considering that MariaJackylene Gutierrez is my legal name, I thought to use MJ! So not only has the Lord been restoring the tangible things in which I have to interact with the world i.e my wallet/money, He has also changed my name.

He has been redeeming Redding for me and my home back in the Bay Area as well. 
I'm going to be vulnerable and share that this past summer was one of the toughest, loneliest, and worst summers of my entire life.
I went in deep into my own head and my thoughts were the only thoughts I listened to, which is a very dangerous place to be. I thought so little of myself that I hated the core things about what made me who I am. I hated every part of myself that I forgot who I was. I forgot how loved I was-- how loved I am. Starting BSSM, I mentally decided to move on from the summer because I was done. I was done with that community, the place, and situation. I wanted my voice heard, but that need was not being met. So the promise of BSSM was new and bright. I was so excited to start something new, but Jesus had other things in mind. He told me that in order to fully step into who I am supposed to be, I have to let go of past hurt in order to let go-- I have to acknowledge the past. I had to acknowledge the pain and the hurt because until I was able to do that, I was then able to let go, which sparked revival in my dreams and my future career. 

Jesus has been teaching me to dream and how to dream big. While I was home in the Bay Area, which was the first time I was able to and I was able to share a few stories about my experiences in BSSM at my niece's birthday party to a few of my cousins. As I was sharing, I mentioned about wanting to go to London, England for a few months (God willing). I also said that I thought so low of myself and I had forgotten who I was that one of my cousins, Joey, stops me and says, 
"You have no boyfriend, no kids... If I were your age I would go live in that country for a year and go to another country after that and if you need a place to come back to you have home. If you need  place to sleep--to eat-- you have a place here.
When I heard this, I wanted to cry because this interaction reminded me of how loved I am and how much I am wanted at home. God is so Good! He not only has restored a place of where I was born-- where I am proud to be from-- but is redeemed.

God's goodness is incredibly highlighted to me through community, family, and everything that I am! Looking back at these past few months has allowed me to see how present and intentional God has been and always will be! He has reminded me of how intentional and significant the parts of me that makes me, who I am-- the same parts I wanted to throw out-- is so unique and powerful. He has taught me how to fully walk in knowing what says about me is true.

Thank you, dear reader, for reading 
my heart.

© Dear Tizaporah • Theme by Maira G.