What That Means



I lay at arms length from my youngest sister.
Pretending to sleep.
Breathing.
Slowly.
She is unaware of the tears that stream down my face.

Dropping off my cheeks soaking my pillowcase.
Bugs on a windshield.
80 miles per hour
Splattering against
Glass.

There goes one
And another
Why don't they stop.

Songs.
An outlet for tears--
I am less alone
Less-- I am not enough.
You do not ask me to stay.

I think of all the tears that have been shed because of you
Shed before me
Shed for you

Do they fill the sky?
Big enough for a rain storm
Or does it only thunder.

I close my eyes
I can see your face
I project it onto the back of my eyes lids
Stay.

A face I have seen countless times before
remember.

My eyes grow heavy.

Please go to sleep
Words.
Phrases.
fill my mind
It is not enough.
my eyes shut close to catch
a glimpse
a glance
of your face.

I know my eyes will be swollen tomorrow.
Morning.

You needed space
Space I was not prepared for.

Friend?
Where are you?
I do not expect anything back.
Expect.
Expectations.
What is friendship?

Friend?
Are you hiding?

I do not see your faults
I see your face.
Quirks, humor, and the power of your mind.

When I care
I care too deeply
When I feel
I feel too much.

Why does this bother?
So,
I strip myself raw
Tearing away parts of myself that I thought was me
Reconfiguring, recolaborating
I put myself through a strainer.

I sit in a group setting
Maybe it's better if I never speak
If I never speak
Scared they might need space, too
Hold back.

If I keep to myself,
There will be no one to push me away?

I am a mess.
I am broken
Holding my breath
Too afraid to be.
Be completely me
Forget who I am.
Who am I?

I lost myself.
Feeling can be a strength
Feeling too much is a weakness

Tears fall
Floodgates.
Where are they coming from?
Why does it hurt so much.

Why can't I stop crying
Tears
Come in fits.
I don't feel so good.

Cold.
Alone.
I know I have friends
Friends that love and care for me.
How does that phrase go again?
"Standing in a middle of a crowd and feeling alone"?

Loneliness
I understand now.
What that means.

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